mY LoNeLy World

Jealous ? No Confident ?

2011-06-02T11:21:00.002+08:00

I have been taken 2 days medical sick leave this week... But i pass it like sucks... The first day, my fever seems like uncontrol and keep increasing, it make my head wanna buss up !! U know at that moment how hard i wanna call my dear and call him to come back and take me to doctor... But I can't because he is working and I can't even contact him. At that moment, I am thinking whether if in the future same case still i am alone in the house i cant contact him at all, am i gonna die anyway? Aikzz... This problem I already mention to him but he said he need to earn money for our future... I heard it and I cried.. Am I still need to be independent although I sick seriously, am i need to go to buy bread or make myself a milo although I am sick.. I cant think hardly and I dun even have the mood to tink and appetite to eat.. After waitin my fren to come over to bring me to see doctor... I hardly beg the doctor for giving me 2 days sick leave in case i m not recovering in one night time.. the doctor still have to scold me for 10 mins onli approve for me... Then i went back to my home and sleep for whole day... Don't have any energy then even vomit after havin my dinner. That day i sleep super early after taking the medicine. The next day, kenken is going to have fun with his colleagues in the waterfall at semenyih. I dun wan tie him and also force him to teman me cx i m sick.. I just find my own activities, I went to my uni to have some advice frm my lecturer so can solve my intern prob. I went to find elaine to have lunch with me. I went to find nanny to have a movie with me. All I do is i dun wan to tink nonsense about my kenken will betray me or do someting back stab me.. However, what i rmb is he promise me he will back to the bus station by 6pm then back home to have dinner wit me.. However, I wait... I call... I sms... while the time is pointing to 6 o clock... My heart and my mind keep thinking... What will happen to my boyfren? is he drown? is he hurt? I call up his sister whether can contact him... I planned to go back to semenyih there to find him.... I call him while i am driving.. I scare he is suffering from hurting... Finally at 6.45pm he called back and tell me he cant listen to the phone ring... What response should i give him... I should say its ok and as long as u cum back i m happy? No.. I feel sad cause another disappointment he presents to me... But in the opposite site, he blame me that I make the things happen seriously and shock his parents too... ya.. The fault sword is pointing me again.. I am the one who over worried and he is not the one who do wrong that he give me a wrong info.. Even he dunno how scare i am while i cant contact him... I really dunno how to express my feeling to him.. Finally ytd nite we argue loudly in the car. Guys.. I am tired too... I dunno how long i can stand still.. My intern is just like sucks.. I dunno how can i pass my following life.. If i really can't face it anymore i dunno whether i will escape from it or I will disappear forever.....

I'm BACK ~~~~~~~

2011-05-27T15:09:00.006+08:00

Hellloooooo.... It has been long time that I haven updated this blog.. However, start from today, I will start bloggin here again :) Now I am having the internship training that I would like to end it as fast as possible.... This is a bad dream of my life.. I just like a robot, I have to sleep at 10pm haha... because i have to wake up at 5.45am to cook breakfast for my kenken and have to cook for my lunchbox too... Although the life is damn tired, i feel happy and can jimat a lot... I am working in plaza sentral la... All the food here can be said that exceed 10 bucks.. sakit hatinya.. That why i have to cook and bring to office...Anyway, till now I still 10 weeks to go.. Now I really keep asking why I wan to choose Maxis le.. I work for 5 months!!! Just bcx of my silly tinkin wanna stick wit my bf more... Aiz... What to do.. Anyway, there is no point to regret or blaming....Stop talking about my interns !!! I am looking forward tomolo (Saturday @-@ woohoooooo)... Tomolo I will be meetin my buddies.. Elaine... We already plan to go out and have a nice chat... After that, I will be going back Muar with kenken... Bcx he is attending his fren's wedding tomolo... Its ok for me although I am not following him to the weddin meal cx I know none of his frens... I am just taking the trip as a vacation to relaz a bit.. Somemore I will be meeting his niece... Devil Wilson... He is a cute but naughty children... Hang here looo... I will post up again tomolo....

两个人的我。。

2011-01-06T20:32:00.004+08:00

原来开心的时间真的可以不知不觉地过得这么快。。不过，人总不会这样顺利地走下去的。。。近来这两个星期，我对他发的脾气次数增加了。。。尤其是这两天，因为我正在面对女人最痛，唉。。那种痛是无法想象的，可是，我却把我男友当成发泄工具了！！其实，他那天有说了一句话，蛮有意思的，“我们俩来自不同的地方，可以从朋友相识到做情人是很难得的，应该好好地珍惜” 可是，女人就是一种永远不会满足的动物，当对方给了你A,可是你还要更多，这就是女人。。我也不例外！！就是因为这样，我们也吵了很多次。。我是学生，他是做工的。。很多时候大家很难配合到时间。。所以，只有一句话，大家需要互相迁就。。可是，他也快要迁就到爆炸了！！因为我时常会向他埋怨说朋友们拍拖都好幸福哦，他们可以怎样怎样，他听了都好不开心，因为和他在一起的时候我已经知道我不能好像其他人一样地谈恋爱的，我也答应他没关系，只要心是爱着大家的就足够了。。现在我每次想回都很责怪自己做么不能做好之前所答应的东西！！我不知道，我真的不知道。。我恨恨自己，怎么不能体谅他多点，怎么要一直取比较！！我现在就好像被分成两个人，一边是天使，另一边就是恶魔..天使就和我说好好呵护他，疼他，不要再闹小姐脾气了，不要再那么多要求了！！可是，另一边的恶魔就告诉我不要理他，要他迁就我，要他比以前更爱我。。怎么办，我快要觉得自己崩溃了，我不想伤害他，我不想和他吵架，我不想他离开我。。我有一万个不想。。。可是，不知道为什么日子越久了，大家的感情好像冷冬了，我不想我们一直安静所以我们都不断地找话题，可是，我很怕总有一天累了，他不想和我讲话了。。谁可以告诉我我应该怎样做？！！以前那个不会诸多要求的我去了哪里？我不知道我们之间的世界末日何时会出现，我要它永远都不要出现，可是我应该怎么做?!!我这个野蛮公主的角色几时才可以改头换面？！！

美好的开始吗？

2010-08-30T21:28:00.007+08:00

好久没有把我的心情写在部落格了。。很想把我这一个月所发生的一点一滴记录在这里。。现在回忆起也觉得好像发了一场美丽的梦境。。我的生命里烧起一连串灿烂的火花了。。我们的开始让我觉得很温暖，很幸福。。我从没有想过会再次拥有疼爱我的人。。自从上次失败的爱情，我都一直要自己清醒，不能再堕入情网，因为我不想受伤了。。可是，他的出现让我对爱情产生回一点点信心了。。和他在一起，每当他握住我的手，我总觉得很有安全感。。甜蜜的时光，一幕幕呈现在我脑海中。。我们去马六甲的一日游，俩人做了动物园的第一个顾客，哈哈。。那时的我害怕会被老虎狮子吃掉。。那天的一日游，虽然很累，可是很兴奋和开心。。接着，就是去金马伦咯。。哇。。那个旅程真的冒了一把冷汗，那崎岖的山路，还有找了大半天才找到的民宿，在半山中喝茶。。哇。。。那时的生活真的好舒服哦。。当时的我好想无忧无虑地过每一天。。可是，人总是要面对回现实，还是要从梦中醒过来。。其实，我们俩有时也会有一些口角。。有时是因为沟通的失误。。他的包容和宽恕都让我们冷静下来。。他是一位很有桃花的男子，我自己心理面很清楚一对长久的情侣是应该要信任对方的。。。可是，我每次都会回想起以前被抛弃的事情，以前我也是很相信“男朋友”，可是得回来的结果就是一段失败的爱情。。不过，我也明白过去的事情就让它过去吧。。所以，他时常叫我别再想回以前不开心的事情了。。每次，我都很想告诉他，“你可以让我相信你吗？可以让时间来证明你是对的人吗？”我知道，他已经做了很多东西让我对他增加信任了。。所以，每次我怀疑他，他都会很伤心很心痛。。其实，我心里也觉得对他很歉疚。。很想和他说，“对不起”。。我好想自己的心魔快快离开，不要再乱乱想东西，好好地谈这次的恋爱。。真的。。老天啊。。谢谢你赐给我一个美好的开始，我希望我们会一直好好地经营这段爱情。。

要学独立了。。。

2010-07-06T16:16:00.006+08:00

已经是开学的第二天了。。这个学期的我已经没有住宿舍了，搬去一个apartment住了。。很多朋友都会很怀疑我为何要做这个决定，宁愿搬出去和一个不认识的人住，也不要回去学校的宿舍住。。其实，我不想解释那么多，就只好保持沉默。。只要了解我的朋友，都会懂我的感受。。可是，原来一个人出来住真的还蛮难受的。。今早，我已经提早了1个小时出门了，结果还是被那恐怖的塞车差点儿到不了学校。。。那时候的我哭不出来，觉得很无助，找不到朋友帮忙。。这时候，我才记得一个朋友对我说的一句话，“你是时候学习独立了！！” 我明白的，人总要长大的，要从挫折中学习的！！有时候我真的会想想我在之后的两年会不会好像现在这样每次要提早两个小时出门，上完课就回去躲在房间。。我不要！！我不想我的生活那么平淡！！真的不要！！好想快点把学校的东西安定下来，我要出去做工。。我不要我的生活那么闷！！今天突然和他谈起之前的事情。。谈到我以前没有自信的事情。。结果大家都谈到不欢而散。。我明白那个“世界上没有丑的女人，只有懒得女人！！” 可是，有人可以回答我这个问题吗？“世上也会有变不了美的胖妹啊！！”“减肥”是我这生人最大的星愿。。我自己很清楚减肥不能靠把口说罢了，要行动证明啊！！我知道啊！！可是，这个“肥”已经贴着我身上20年了！！不是说在2天说要把它甩掉就甩掉的！！有没有人明白，肥并非我们想要的，可是，如果家里是有肥的基因，我也是要接受啊！！其实，今天他说的对的！！一个女子不管多肥多丑，只要会打扮一下，她也可以变得很美啊。。自信很重要，不能理会他人所说的话！！我明白的！！全部的道理我都明白的。。只是，做不做到又是另一回事。。我学化妆也是想让自己变得有信心。。好啦！！我不管了！！我真的不理了！！我不能再每天都埋怨那个天为何给我不美的样貌，不给我天使的身材！！我要创造奇迹了！！就算没人爱，我也要活得精彩！！

紧张也没用的。。。

2010-06-29T12:33:00.009+08:00

又是说那句话的时候哦。。时间过得真快。。三个月的假期就这样完毕了，多几天就要回去大学了，今晚想回忆回忆下这三个月到底做了什么呢，有个金马伦之旅，有个中国之旅，在旅途认识新的朋友。。除此以外，也去了个人美容的课程，已经懂得爱美了。。想一想，这个假期总算没有白过，也算过得蛮有乐趣。。在上个学期发生太多事情，朋友之间的问题，不明不白的失恋，太多了。。。这三个月就是要让我休息，充充电来走更长的路。。其实，今晚真的很多画面划过我的脑。。很多以前那班朋友一起出街，一起唱k的画面。。不过，现在变了，大家都已经各有各的生活了，我又要适应新的环境了。然后，又闪过之前的甜蜜画面，还以为是幸福的，根本没有想过会有分开的一天，那一天突然的分手两个字真的让我崩溃了，我也不知道自己哭了多久，不知道今晚可以那么清醒地想了那么多东西。。。其实，想了想，人真的要经过那么多的波折才会长大吗？还是，我是已经受过那么多伤害还不会学聪明的笨女人吗？是吗？之前那个伤害还不够我清醒吗？唉。。最近，有个朋友也遇到爱情上的烦恼，他们俩可是相爱却不能在一起。。为什么，总会这样呢？看到他们那样，总让我觉得心酸，总觉得很无助。。为什么天要让他们相遇又要让他们分开呢？真的好希望他们在日后的日子可以好好地生活下去，我们几个朋友还可以一起出去疯。。。好了，再想想这个假期有什么难忘的吗？哈哈。。有哦。。现在的我可以煮好吃的curry咯，多谢一位厨师朋友耐心的教导。。哈哈。。虽然有点手忙脚乱的感觉，不过原来当煮出来的食物好吃，真的会觉得很开心，觉得所付出的辛苦没有白费到。。心情真的好紧张，紧张要回去大学了，又要去习惯一个新的环境了，又要去面对一罗罗的formula了。。唉。。怎样都好，还是要忍多两年。。哈哈。。其实紧张也是还有另个原因哦，就是我要和一个神秘人物见面了，就是那个在论坛认识的，在UM露营陪伴着我的，还有让我知道很多人生道理的一个神秘人物，对他的感觉，有点陌生可是又有点熟悉的一个人。。陌生是因为还没见过面，熟悉是因为我们经常在电话里疯疯地聊天。。。真的期待跟这位帅哥见见面。。不过，心里当然会有点怕咯。。因为自己也懂自己没有美女的样貌，也没有天使的身材。。都不知道会不会吓跑这位帅哥。。哈哈。。不想太多啦，紧张也没用哦。。那天大家开心就好咯。。希望他不会对我煮的curry说"我真系接受唔到咯”。。哈哈。。anyway..我会尽力的哦。。好咯。。最后要和kuala lumpur 说，“I’m coming..." 和 ipoh说：“I'll be back!!"

恐惧。。。

2010-06-20T21:32:00.006+08:00

终于从中国回来了。。。出了国9天才知道自己的家才是最好的。。。虽然出国可以体验到各种不同的生活习惯，可是我真的习惯不到。。。那儿的菜不是太油就是太咸。。。那时真的好怀恋milo和roti canai哦。。。这次的出国旅行。。我有带我的宝贝电脑一起去哦。。。其实，中国一路上幸亏有它哦。。有了它，我可以在酒店看pps,上msn..到底我习惯不了的到底是因为没有他的来电还是习惯不了那里的食物。。。唉。。我觉得现在的我并不是最怕我的五大怕了。。“暗，痛，死，鬼，高”哈哈。。就是怕暗，怕痛，怕死。怕鬼，怕高。。现在的我最怕是爱上了人。。。真的对爱情失去信心，尤其是当我想到上次那段失败的爱情，我就不敢在爱情上踏前一步了。。为什么人总是那么犯贱的呢。。当没有爱情的时候，就很渴望有人的陪伴；可是当有的时候，又被一大堆的恐惧感吓着了。。。我怕历史重演。。。我真的不知道自己几时才可以有回那个勇气去谈恋爱。。还是我一直以来都认为没有人会喜欢胖妹。。没有人会愿意和一个胖妹交往。。。有时，走在街上，我会看到有些胖胖的美眉会找到她们的至爱，好羡慕她们。。。羡慕他们可以那么幸福，为什么我没有呢？每个朋友都会和我说，缘分还没到。。怎么办。。心好烦闷。。想找人谈心事，可是却不知道找谁。。今天，有个朋友告诉我，“如果不想被伤害，千万别爱上人了！！” 可是，也有朋友告诉我，“如果压抑自己对他的感情，也是对自己一个伤害” 不知道，只是想逃避问题，不想去面对。。想做鸵鸟，想找个洞埋自己的头下去。。。反正，也不会有人爱上一个那么丑的女子。。。为什么。。。唉。。。很想痛哭一场。。是我自做多情吗？每次都会和自己说别想太多，顺其自然。。。天啊。。。真的是我想太多吗？我应该未雨绸缪吗？应该要有受到打击的心理准备吗？算了。。还是别想了。。反正事情都还没发生，没有人会知道下一步会发生什么事。。。到最后，还是顺其自然吧。。。

我只是个女孩

2010-06-19T13:56:00.002+08:00

从一本杂志找到的一篇的文章。。全都是我的心声。。。
《我只是个女孩，我要的是简单的爱》

我只是个女孩
我希望有人疼，有人爱，有人包容，有人抱着我睡，有人让我撒娇，有人可以吃我做的饭，有人可以夸我乖，有人能陪在我身边，有人能过马路的时候拉着我的手，有人能给我安全。有人喜欢带我逛街，穿高跟鞋走累了都会有人背。有人乐意带我去他去的各种场合，并把我介绍该他的朋友们～

我只是个女孩
我希望有人关心，有人保护，有人会记得每天告诉我晚安，有人告诉我他对我很安心。有人记得我们一起过去的点滴，有人绝对不把我们之间的承诺作儿戏。有人告诉我。照顾我，他一点也不累。。

我只是个女孩

我希望有人认同我，有人认真思考然后告诉我他觉得我的话其实也有道理，在我做了点可爱的事情以后摸摸我的头鼓励我做的好。有人不轻易夸我，也不吝啬使劲夸我。

我只是个女孩
我希望能有人惦记我，在我郁闷大哭的时候把我的头按在胸膛哭够了问我怎么了。我希望有人告诉我，有时候想念我令他难受。我娇气，不放纵，不说谎。不会无理取闹，不会缠着他给我买东西。偶然一条短信告诉我他想我，我就知足。我不演戏，我什么都相信。我说过的话都算数，所以，对我说过的，请别忘记。我会尽量变得更好看，相信海誓山盟。相信自己配得上自由的幸福。

我只是个女孩
我喜欢诚实的人。因为我诚实。如果我说我们不会再见了，我一定会躲开你。也许我还会在街边见到你，你有会如何回忆我。我会放过自己，放过压抑，放过附身的记忆。往事通缉，孤单侵袭，习惯就可以了。如果我的想念喷薄而出，我不会告诉你。尽管如此，那些思念依然值得我珍惜。如果我相信你，我会告诉你，我可以不勇敢吗？那些勇敢的人都未必幸福，因为是不行让他们勇敢。我喜欢被勇敢的你守护着，因为有你们所以我不需要勇敢。

我只是个女孩
我会难过，但是不会自甘堕落
我会伤心，但是不会伤心太久
也许我会遇见一个微笑的魔鬼，他将指引我，给我奇异的火花，他将段战的照亮我的心灵。他会交给我幸福的预感，却拒绝给我一点点幸福。
也许我会遇见一个烂醉的天使，他神经质地微笑，给我看他掉了毛的翅膀，但是上面残存的每一片，都是能令我撑死的幸福。

是我自作多情吗。。。

2010-06-07T18:53:00.004+08:00

哇。。在UM住了三天两夜。。真的差点拿了我条命。。那些蚊子好像很得空那样。。一直在钉我。。搞到我翻左翻右。。睡不着。。。真的很辛苦。。。在kl这个旅程，我发觉我真的不能没有车在kl生活。。。哇.。一直要在monorail,lrt塞。。。真的好痛苦。。。真的差点呼不到吸。。然后，第二天，又要到Choral Fest 帮忙。。。这四天真的好不容易活过来的。。其实，也多得一个人的帮忙。。。我们在一个论坛认识的。。刚认识时聊天的感觉很不错，就是有feel 啦。。。不过，心里很怕会依赖他。。因为每当我不开心或觉得烦恼，我都会找他聊，他也会不断说人生道理给我听。。。他让我觉得能被呵护和保护的感觉。。。可是，我们并没见过面。。只是，大家觉得聊天很舒服。。我们真的无所不谈，有时我会唱歌哄他，我们有共同喜爱的歌曲。。。可是，我觉得人总应该面对回现实，有时，我真的很想拿出自己的信心表现自己最美的一面。。可是，真的说出来容易，做就很难了。。。可能是之前分手都是因为自己不够美才让自己的前男友出轨。。。所以，才让我有恐惧感，只是我觉得是自己想太多了。。。虽然我们认识了两个星期多，我觉得好像认识很久了。。唉。。。可能我真的太自作多情了。。。我快要去中国旅行了，本身是个很怕出国旅行的人。。可能思想保守吧，很怕离开家的感觉，明年就要intern了，所以想利用这个假期陪老妈去走马看花。。可是，心理面总在想我回马来西亚，他会不会忘记我了。。我们还会不会好像之前那样那么好聊吗。。我也觉得自己是不是太过忧虑了。。。anything顺其自然就好了。。如果他真的悄悄地离去。。我也是做不了什么。。。不过没关系。。如果真的是有感觉的，就算怎样也会相遇的。。。我只想好好地散散心。。。其实也完成了我之前的心愿啊。。。之前在考final时分手。真的好想不上课，逃避。。现在，终于有机会可以好好地逃避去中国走走。。可是，心里却担忧那么多。。哈哈。。突然间觉得自己真的很会乱乱想哦。。好吧。。。就让这次好好地出去玩玩。。拍拍照。。马来西亚。。。19日我约定你哦。。不见不散。。。

短发。。。

2010-05-29T00:31:00.003+08:00

哇。。时间真的过得很快。。。三个月的假期竟然只剩下一个月而已了。。好紧张哦。。发觉整个假期都没有什么是做到的。。。减肥。。没有做到。。。变美。。。哈哈。。还可以咯。。脸上的豆豆有消失咯。。不过，最大的心愿还是减肥。。。本来还以为整个假期可以留长回那个头发。。可是，真的没有那个耐心去等他变长。。。还是算了。。。还是顶不顺去把它剪短了。。。又让我想起一首歌了。。就是梁咏琪的《短发》。。。之前不长不短的头发让我觉得很烦，在别人的眼中总觉得那个安娣。。。可是。。。原来短发带给我。。很轻松的感觉。。。就是没有压力。。我没想他了。。真的。。。虽然有时无意间看到他的照片，心很自然地流血。。。可是，就在我剪短了，我就向自己承诺了，我会好好爱护自己，不会再为那些伤害过我的人哭哭啼啼。。。

棋子

2010-05-03T01:41:00.002+08:00

在这几个星期的假期里，我每天就是玩乐，虽然没有上课的压力，可是脑袋没有formula背就会胡思乱想。。。他的影子一直绕着我的思想。。。我们曾经的回忆不停浮现出来。。。还记得我是不小心按错电话号码才认识到他的。。。每次打给他，我都会听到王菲的《棋子》。。。我记得他说他很喜欢这首歌。。。之后，我都会时常听这首歌，慢慢爱上这首歌。。后来，认识久了，我们也开始了一段感情。。。我们还未见过面，因此我也对此感情没有信心，可是他对我所做的一切让我感动，让我觉得很幸福。。。他很迁就我，也很疼我。。。之后，我们也见面了。。。他也没有嫌弃我。。。当时的我真的陶醉在那段感情上。。。可是，每当我在人生走在顺利的路上，那就是噩梦的开始。。。不知何时何月。。。他开始疏远我。。。开始对我冷冷淡淡。。。就算我病了，他也没有慰问我。。。当时的我每天都流泪，不知怎么好。。。心里一直都在害怕失去他的感觉。。。最后，我还是鼓起勇气和他说清楚。。。那段从他口中说出的话。。。我到现在还深深地刻在心里。。。他说，“从他见我后，他就觉得我不适合他，因为肥和丑，他想分手。。。”他已找到另个女子了。。。当时的我。。。真的痛哭了很久。。。在那个星期，我根本没有露出笑容。。。我一直恨自己做么会笨到以为自己真的可以做童话故事里的白雪公主那么幸福。。。我真的没有想过失去他过后的生活应该怎样过。。。好不容易，在朋友的劝告下，我终于放下对他的记忆。。。当时的我很难忘记他的电话号码。。。很难忘记他的样子。。。最近的假期里听到那首棋子，我又想起他了。。。我终于觉醒我只是他的一个棋子。。。当他喜欢上其他人，他就把我这颗棋子抛弃了。。。我还记得那首歌的歌词是这样子的。。

我像是一颗棋

进退任由你决定

我不是你眼中唯一将领

却是不起眼的小兵

我像是一颗棋子

来去全不由自己

举手无回你从不曾犹豫

我却受控在你手里

不知道做么现在每次听到这首歌我的心都会好像在流血。。。我在这感情里真的跌得很痛。。不知何时才可以爬回起来。。。谁可以和我说我几时才可忘记他。。。

人生的第一步。。。

2010-04-26T16:17:00.010+08:00

我终于在这个假期做了一件很刺激的事情。。我终于鼓起最大的勇气站上那个恐怖的歌台上。。在还没比赛前，家人和朋友都陪我练歌。。。心里真的很感激他们。。哈哈。。。每次我都唱回同一首歌。。他们也觉得闷了。。哈哈。。。没办法。。。连我也闷了。。。那首终生美丽。。我唱到连失忆都会记得那些歌词。。。可是，当快要到比赛的日子时，我才发觉自己选错歌。。应该唱那首《放不低》。。。适合我的声线，也我明白这首歌的感情。。。在我的人生，我有很多东西是放不低的。。。失败的爱情。。。糟糕的友情。。。总之很多东西在心里都是放不低的。。。不过，太迟了，不能换歌了。。。不然会被扣分哦。。。唯有唱那首歌哦。。终于到了比赛那天了，拿到5号的筹码。。。在看着其他参赛者的表演时，我的心已经开始砰砰跳。。。在台下等时，我竟然紧张到忘记歌词了。。。到台上，我也表现得很不自然。。。不过，幸好还是顺顺利利地完成了。。。当天的比赛大家都旗鼓相当。。。虽然输了这场比赛，我终于证明了肥婆也能唱歌。。。我愿意接受任何批评和意见。。。

金马伦一日游。。。

2010-04-26T13:42:00.008+08:00

放假以来的第一个旅游。。。金马伦，我只去过一次。。。就是在小学的时候。。。对这个地方的印象不大。。。那天，表姐带着她的狗狗驾车带我妈和我去那儿吹风。。。哇。。。那里真的很不同。。。一路上去金马伦都很凉，真的很舒服。。。去到那儿，我们就到一个阿姨的屋子坐坐，她弄了些茶点给我们吃。。。我们还去採草莓哦。。好玩哦。。好享受噢。。。在吉隆坡，我根本没有机会有这样的生活。。。读书的生活让我很大压力。。每天活在竞争中，朋友的问题，给人歧视的生活，我根本不能开心，当时我在金马伦的心情，是我不想回去读书了！！！我不想面对孤单，不想面对嘲笑。。。我知道不能逃避。。可是，我真的很怕回去吉隆坡过孤单的生活。。。我很想每天都快乐，可是看到朋友一个一个因为男友而离我而去·，我应该怎么办。。。还有两个月，我就要回去地狱。。。我的心很怕。。。其实，我自己知道应该好好利用这两个月改变自己，好好减肥，好好变美。。可是，为什么这个世界真的没有一个注重内在美的男子?!!外在美真的那么好吗？是我想太多还是这个世界根本就是这样？？？

迷茫的心情。。。

2010-04-16T01:02:00.003+08:00

已经很久没有写部落格的我今晚又开始在此发泄闷在心里的感受。。。本来已打算去参加ASTRO新秀的我又放弃了。。。虽然口说是因为准备考试，其实是害怕被取笑。。其实我不明白自己到底在想什么，和要什么。。。我只知道一定要搭出第一步来实现自己的梦想。。。终于放暑假了。。回到怡保竟然让我看到一个歌唱比赛。。。冲动之下，我真的报名了。。。那比赛指定要唱张学友和郑秀文的歌曲。。。而我却唱了一首以前时常被人取笑的歌曲。。。《终身美丽》。。我还记得以前在三德，他们时常在我面前唱这首歌来激励我减肥。。。哈哈哈。。。当然没效咯。。。不然都不会到现在都还是胖嘟嘟的。。。其实我明白这首歌的意思。。。说出一位男子不介意和一位胖的女生在一起。。而且激励她改变。。一直陪伴着她。。可是，我的脑里应该想着的是谁呢。。。到现在为止我都没找到这样的人！！！我根本都唱不出那首歌的感觉出来。。。其实我很清楚这次比赛纯粹是经验，是不可能赢。。因为机率太少了。。。我是想到不想时常只是嘴巴讲要比赛而没做到。。希望我真的可以顺利完成这个比赛。。其实，心里很怕下面的观众看到我这个这样肥的肥婆上台唱歌，会一直叫我下台。。我真的很怕！！！我只是想证明给全世界的人看肥婆也可以唱歌。。不要看小我！！可是我根本没有信心。。。唉。。。很快就会过完这三个月假了。。又要回到那个地狱大学。。很不想回去面对。。。下个学期就是我的第三年了。。。我知道我讲出来也会给人笑。。。我没有朋友。。。本来是很要好的朋友也变成陌生人了。。。并没有任何的争吵。。。她们陶醉在热烈的爱情里。。。我并没有怪他们重色轻友。。。虽然有朋友叫我不必等她们回来补救那段友情，叫我去找新的朋友。。。可是经过这次破裂的友情，我不敢再和任何人深交做要好的朋友了。。。其实我真的感到很寂寞。。。我的心时常会想做么每个人都可以双双对对那么幸福，而我却还是孤单一人。。。为什么我只是可以看着朋友在我面前接吻。。。我不知道他们懂不懂他们在伤着我的心。。。我不明白为什么我的朋友一个一个为了男友而忘了友情。。还是她们真的看不起我没有男友所以不再和我做朋友了。。。我不知道下个学期的我没有朋友，一个人怎样过下去。。。我时常问自己如果有一天我起身就变瘦了，那是会怎样呢？为什么世上真的没有一个注意内在美的男生吗？真的全部男子都看样貌和身材吗？样貌和身材真的那么重要吗？你们应该没被人侮辱过吧。。我曾经被人说过认识我就像和一只猪做朋友！！！严重吧？我也不明白做么我还活在这个世上。。。

减肥记。。

2009-11-15T14:14:00.002+08:00

那天，朋友送了一个男生熊熊给我。。看着它，我第一个想到的人是谁呢。。。是有闪过一个人。。。最后，我还是清醒了。。。因为那都是我一厢情愿的。。。我哪有资格去想他呢。。。我很清楚自己的条件。。。肥又丑。。。这是从小到大被人肯定的。。。我最近真的很想拿刀来狠狠地把肉切掉。。。真的。。。当脑海里想到朋友的讽刺，我都会静静地躲在一旁流泪。。。我真的很想绝食，很想把自己饿一两个月。。。不想再回到大学给人看低。。。不过，我要怎样才可以焕然一新。。。最近，一直吃少，然后又喝泻药。。。可是，效果还是那么少。。。我看到其他人都可以大大声地跟自己喜欢的人表白。。。可是，我却。。。我真的那么差吗？我几时才可以对着自己喜欢的人说“我喜欢你”。。。应该是一世都不可能发生在我身上吧。。。

我要改变。。。

2009-11-13T18:39:00.005+08:00

减肥第一天

平时的我写这个部落格都是发泄自己不开心的心事。。。不过，这次的大学假期让我下定决心改变自己。。。很多人都会说我已经说要改变很多年了。。。哈哈哈。。我还是没有做到。。。那是因为我没有毅力！！！我不敢说这次的毅力会长久吗。。不过，我下定决心不想再给自己的朋友取笑。。可能她们是开玩笑，可是肥胖的我就觉得很讽刺。。。每次被笑，心里都觉得很不舒服。。。这次放假我回去我上次去过的减肥中心。。。最近的我，早上就跑步二十分钟，然后就吃两三块麦面包。。就到晚上才吃米粉清汤。。。原来真的有效哦。。。今天去接受治疗，我真的瘦了1.6公斤。。虽然不是什么很多，可是我真的很开心。。。就算瘦了0.4公斤，我也很开心。。。因为我们真的要肥很容易，可是要苗条就真的很难。。。你们不知道看着朋友们都可以自由地享受美食，可是我只能看着食物！！！不过每次想到朋友的讽刺，我就没胃口了。。。我不希望很苗条，我只是不想再被人看低。。。

A nice dream...

2009-09-26T02:26:00.002+08:00

I wonder why yesterday i will dream about the guy tat i alr admired long time ago... wow... I really thot tat i alr forget about him after a uni activity.. I oso haven met him in tis sem... But in the dream i feel so happy and we chat to share feelings... hehe... so so sweet... i reali dun wan wake up from the dream le... then he play guitar for me and i sing too... Wow... Tis life is so nice... I wonder if my reality life is also like tat i feel so good...Mostly when he play guitar i feel touched... Then the dream end up when he send me back home.. And he oso say tat he will call me after he went home.. Then i woke up alr... My sweet sweet dream ended... I know tis is a dream but oso nid to thanks the god tat giving me a nice dream.. I will remember tis dream forever....

WrOnG DiRectiOn...

2009-09-02T22:19:00.002+08:00

Few days ago... i feel tat i m going to the wrong direction... firstly... The courses is going to be difficult and difficult... I cant catch up with wat the lecturers teach... I totally lost... Too many quizes assignments make me cant breathe at all... For example, the Thermo course i alr get 3 "zeros" in the quizes... I really dunno wat shud i do... I have no enough time to revise so many subjects... Tat why i m telling tat i m going to the wrong direction... I dun like to be book-worm... Somemore i hate this subject!!! It put my birthday as the date of Test 2... Damn it!!! Why everitime is like tat?!! In form 6, it crash and get me into STPM trial.... I m sure my frenz in uni sure bored when i talking bout this!!! But I realli take birthday is the most important date in my life!!! I rather skip the test and go bak hometown to clb wit family... Anyway, I noe they sure thought tat i m naif... jus tink bout birthday... I m not forcin them to clb wit me... anyway if i reali giv them pressure i say sorry to them here... I m not so desperate!!! Secondly, have i used to join in different gang of frenz... In this gang , most of my frenz alr have their own lover.. And it make the situation different alr... I know at last i m the one who be dumped alone... I m not calling for pity... I jus feel tat y i m always the one who be alone.. Since young, i m the onli child, i alr be alone all the time... but now somemore in a uni public life i also be the one who alone... Is it my individual problem? Is it i m not pretty and make myself be alone??? Mayb it is the time i need to wake up from my dream... Shud go bak to the reality world!!!

I miss blogging...

2009-08-06T00:26:00.003+08:00

Finally, i got the time to write my blog... I tink i have bout 1 month din blogging... I reali miss it!!! Normally, when i face trouble in my life, i wil sure express it out in this blog... Time pass through so fast.. I oso cant imagine i alr in degree second year... Jus back to uni, need to busy with the Freshie camp... Need to run here run there to apply things.. Sometimes realli feel tat a protocol is not easy to be... Anyway, luckily, the programme run through well.. However, the test come along jus after the camp... Today jus finish the Thermo test 1... aikzz... I tink tis time realli not full preparation to test... I keep persuading myself dun think it anymore.. Anyway i know it alr be past tense... last few days, my uni happen a big news... one of the excellent student passed away... Although i not so closed wit him, he realli a veri nice person... Aikzz... Life is so miracle.. but also veri terrible.. We dunno wat will happen in the future.. Appreciating everi moments in our life is so important... Somemore now h1N1 realli bcum serious and serious till died cases happen... I realli pray tat this disease will be solved soon... Our uni oso got some suspected.. but the uni dun wan quarantine... I feel this few days i was not being myself.. Jus not last time always crazy talking, laughing, playing... I realli dunno wat happen to me...

Unexpected happened!!!

2009-06-16T18:45:00.002+08:00

Many things already happened around me after i cum back to Ipoh... I feel disappointed and sad for those things... Firstly, I feel sorry to hear that my fren's dad passed away... At the moment i heard i really want to cry out.. Jus wanna let him know tat whatever happened jus dun remember that stil ve us around him.. we will be there when he need us... Be tough, we will support u always... Life really miracle.. I tink life really jus like fireworks... It can be veri nice and beautiful for short moment... We wont know our life in future.. Therefore we shud appreciate appreciate wat we have now.. Secondly, tis sem break i got help my fren to work in the restaurant also... because he nid to go back hometown... So i help him out in the restaurant.. I stil remember that last time when i work there, me and all the workers always hang together and joking, laughing.. But all things alr changed... They seems like change to another person... I know it is tired to stand whole day in the kitchen.. I know he is veri tired... But the boss really nid him.. It is lack of ppl in the restaurant.. I really dunno how to help him... Hope tat he can cope wit it.. And now wat i can do is jus disturb him less... and also cheer him up... Lastly is about frenship... Really dunno how to express out that frenship.. Jus can say that we have different characteristics so will always argue!!!

A comfortable night...

2009-06-04T10:58:00.002+08:00

Haha... Dont think nonsence... Yesterday night, I really have a comfortable night after chatting with Yau weng... I alr long time din go back Ipoh... Last time went back to ipoh but din hang out wit my frenz.. Usually, everi night when i sleep, I wil have many sad things keep in my heart... Luckily last night, have a long chatting wit him... We chat back those choir memories.. And i oso told him lot of my problem... haha... Although the prob not exactly solved, anyway when say it out oso make me released... Yau weng, Thanks that you still treat me as frenz although we alr not study together... Haha... hope you wont think i vv disturbing.. sorry ah... Lastly, thanks a lot...

Confused,,, Depressed...

2009-06-03T01:03:00.002+08:00

Actually, I still remember that last time when i still young, whenever i got any problem, I can chat with my mum, she will console me and tell me wat to do... But now stay and study in KL, leave my mum so faraway, and i cant tell her everiting.. Sometimes, I noe i can chat with my frens in Uni.. But i really jus trust my family... That why sometime i really tink that i will becum crazy if din say out... My frenz here oso said tat i always keep my secret in my heart and no ppl will noe wat i tink... But i really dunno how to say out.. I scare when i say out, ppl will laugh at me and i feel emberassing... I really wan to say out when i havin pillow talk wit frenz... Dunno why... Is really cant say out... Those secret in my heart can be collected as a mountain... I tink someday will tumpah when i leave tis world!!! Anyway the most important sentences in my heart is "I Scare to Be Alone!!!"

The feeling coming back...

2009-05-29T23:41:00.003+08:00

I still remember that last time when i go in lower 6, the first time i go into boy's skol... I feel so terrible tat all the boys use those eye-sight to look at me... I know wat they are thinking... "Wow, where is this fat girl come from..." In the orientation, those games need to make those form 6 students to be closer... But i know my outlook make others feel that i m monster there... Veri Veri suffering onli can pass those moments... Luckily in Form 6 i know those choir guy n we also be best fren.. But now why till Uni life stil wan me to go through this moment!!! I dun want!!! I not young ppl anymore!!!! I know i say like tat is a bit over but i really not interested in playing those games... I jus wan a simple life wit some music buddies... So we can go sing k n play band!!! This is wat i want!!! I dun wan go for the activities ah!!! I really see my emberassed face again!!! I dun wan!!! Can someone tell me how to solve it!!! I know tml alr dey gt gang to play the games and onli left me is alone!!! I will be veri veri silly stand there n do nothing!!! I not think too much!!! Is the fact alr told me wat will happened tml!!! It wont change!!! They will stay the same!!! They will treat me as stranger!!! Aikzz.... Why... Is my problem or their problem!!! I dunno!!! Actually i wanna play the games jus if i play wit my gang of frens i know the result is totally different!!! I will be more happy!!! And ppl wont tink i m weird and have no fren at all!!!

WorLd....

2009-05-26T13:58:00.000+08:00

Dunno why... This few days seem like thinking a bit complicated... In this world, different people really have different thinking... In past time, when i dun ve car in kl, I really miss my home, miss my mummy, miss my lovely dog, miss my frenz in ipoh.. But now I start to drive in kl, I less going back home... However, I still the same... I din change... I miss everything in Ipoh... Mayb different family train up different children... Since child.. I always hide in my mummy hide... She will protect me from everithing... It cause me always feel bad in the Uni.. But now i alr used to the situation... If my mum allow me drive back to ipoh.. I sure will go back to my home... I really sleep not so comfortable in uni... Mayb some of my frenz will feel tat me weird.. And some of them think tat in ipoh they are controlled by their parents... They dun ve freedom!!! But me dun care... I jus love my home... Although Ipoh dun ve so mani interesting things like kl... I still like to be in home...

Feeling Bad....

2009-05-16T23:02:00.000+08:00

This few days the H1N1 swine flu become veri serious jor... Aikzz... yesterday slept at Irene's house and chat till 5.30 am onli sleep... now also sick sick.. and me also scare myself get the virus ah... nw dun say kl onli, mani places oso got the H1N1 jor... I also dunno how... Pray? or jus wait to die... I dun wanna die... i stil have mani tings haven fullfil yet... yesterday i watch back the concert video recording... I reali dunno how ugly i am... After i watch it i reali feel it!!! I reali noe that how nice i sing i also cant attract ppl cx i noe outlook is veri veri important!! I swear i need to be pretty as much as possible b4 i die!!! Yesterday nite we chat lot of things... veri fun lo... is a fun pillow talk... More fun than we go sing K lo...

To Yau Weng...

2009-05-11T21:31:00.000+08:00

Yau weng... This week something had been happened between us... And i also dunno how to solve our problem... So jus wanna write this blog to let u know how i feel... I know that day maybe is jus my misunderstanding thot u wan to join us in the movie also... and i also know that u din promise me anyting.. firstly that day i plan the time to spent with u.. thot wan to clb your birthday with you earlier cause i know i cant come bak ipoh later cx gt test those days... Anyway i tink is reali a big big misunderstand... The present i bought for you i choose it veri long time... hope you will like it... And while i fix the puzzle that time.. wat i tink is the moment in choir las time... tat time we reali fun and happy... although the present is a bit easy but reali use mani sum gei to fix it... I hope you wil love it.. wat had happened tat day hope you wil forget it... cause i reali thot wan to hang out wit you tat time... cause everitime i come bak my time also veri packed and i cant spend so mani time wit u all... sorry ah... I reali not blame on you... I jus feel sorry that why cant i give a little more time to go out wit you all.... Anyway sorry la... and Happy Birthday.... Sorry Sorry Sorry....

Friendzzz...

2009-03-31T22:10:00.001+08:00

My first year second sem will be ended soon...Wow... This sem is a tough sem!!! 2 labs and many tough subject, i also dunno how can i cope with it... however this sem i reali know lots of frenzz... I enjoy chatting with my housemate xiao wei... She is coming from KL but wat i feel she is veri nice, and make me change mind on KL people... In preparation for the final test, we always sit at living room and study together, and haha... we always wake up each others to study... Damn fun... I reali happy that i get to know her... Yen Kuan is another housemate of mine... She also veri fun... I stil remember one night we feel bored and we went to putrajaya and take mani silly photo... Haha... I also shocked tat day she can crazy with us cx mostly she will sleep earlier... Anyhow, in this sem i most close to Elaine... The unilife before i know her is as dark as black... However, after knowing her, she let me know the joyness in the uni, we always crazy crazy 1... Somemore sometimes, we will go USJ jus for our dinner, i stil remember tat day we get lost when we goin bak from USJ.. We went to the PUTRAJAYA sentral alr... Damn Terrible... At that moment realli feel sorry to her i know she was veri scare tat time... Haha.. anyway we also explore that excited moment ma... Irene... I tink i veri shock tat she can veri crazy also... I stil remember last sem i do project with her, i can feel tat she veri serious,,, But tis sem we reali be the real buddies... She also say me veri bodoh always bullied by ppl... And she say one sentence tat make me fun "Got job tell me, Need protection find me.." Anyway she reali make me feel tat she reali a big sis tat can protect those her frenzzz... Anyway in this uni i reali find mani type of frenss that i stil haven written it out... I reali happy to know they all!!!! Frenzzz Forever le!!!!

HaPpY oR SaD???

2009-03-19T12:07:00.000+08:00

In past days, I always call my frenx and told them my life in uni is so unhappy... I have no frenz in uni and i feel lonely... This is wat i mention always... Haha... Tat day i got hang out wit yau weng... I go UPM fetch him and we hang out in ALAMANDA!!! The feeling is damn GOOD!! Bcoz since we go study in KL, we alr long time din go crazy go shopping and havin meal together!!! That day i reali veri happy... Besides.. Last few nights i go CYBERJAYA le... Haha... Act jus wanna try try find where is MMU to find the KongWAI YIN geh... Then we go yum cha and chit chat there... Haha.. Reali a stress releasing way for me... Anyway i need to make some changes jor cause stil ve 6 more days to have my final... I reali scare scare but i cant pay attention in my studies..

WaTT's GoiNg On....

2009-03-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

Before the WATT night, everyone busy preparing these and that... As performer, i also ponteng for few days.. haha... Actually is jus i lasy to go class... Anyway.. i can feel that the performance was succesfully done!!! At first, the dance performance is going on... They dance so well as they wear a mask and playing those shadow dances... After that... The band concert was started!!! Wa... It was so high... Then is my turn to perform... Firstly i realy scare mani things scare will out of tune, scare dunno how will ppl think bout my performance... Anyhow... finally i also finish my song succesfully... Anyway i reali thanks those frens that support me at the concert... Thanks for their shouting... This really make me have more confidence to continue standing on the stage...Anyway those frens that cant come for the concert oso support me... Thanks a lot... Anyway i reali enjoy the moment on the stage... this time i reali din do a regret performance... Haha... i dunno why still cant go back to the normal life... I still miss those moment that practise for the concert... Haix.... Anyway thanks for those who give a chance to me to perform on the stage... Thank you...

Watt Coming Soon!!!

2009-03-01T01:56:00.000+08:00

Next Wednesday will be the Watt Night!!! I know it will be damn fun... As performer i can feel the tension to stand on the stage... haha actually i have stage fright... I m tinking if i fall down when i m singing... Me like a fool... Haha.... This time i reali have challenge... the band giv me a song that not my type... If last time i will totally cant accept this song... But i also understand that a composer is not that easy to produce a song... Aikzzz until now i stil cnt get the feeling to express this song well... It has a high pitch part... I damn scare that i will lose voice there... It will veri ashamed de.... how.. how... I dunno why i reali worry so much thing... I tink mayb this is the first time i singing solo on the stage... In last time i sing in a choir and it is a team so i wont feel the scaryness... I reali hope my performance and everiting will be ok!!!

Jus forget those things that i shud forget!!!

2009-02-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

Actually, the audition alr pass long time ago alr... But till now the finalist singers list also haven shown out... I alr can guess wat had happen.. Anyway... from this process of audition, let me know something that a performance not just require quality but also appearance... I din blame on myself if i din get into the finalist... I jus can said that this world is unfair... It is normal to happen these things... I shud used to it... Anyway... that day the performance reali give me a good experience... and i enjoy it... I jus regret why cant i give out a perfect performance... I shud nt make any mistake in the performance... Aikzz... Tan Poh Ling... you need to forget these things as fast as possible and pay more attention in your studies..... Gambate!!!!

A fun and scary night...

2009-02-04T00:00:00.000+08:00

Tonight i jus went to join the CNY night in my uni...The programme quite nice...I enjoy it veri much...got 1 harmonica performance...wow...they got divide to tenor bass and supprano tim ah...BEST!!! haha.... then... stil got many performance la... erm... got WATT band la... The funniest is after the CNY night, i stil scare that we need to walk thru the dark street to go back our asrama... haha.... I cant imagine me and elaine did some silly things...although silly, It really exciting... We are singing outside the library... Haha of course dont ve any audience la... But the feel really nice... jus like we are having our own concert... While we stil thot wan to continue for 15mins... she found that one guard is walking towards us...We ran as fast as we can...But u also noe my fat body cant run fast ah...So scare tat time... jus like run after a fierce dog la... So scare but Fun la...Damn Fun... Act i realy hope tat the guard wont scold me if i be caught la...Haha... I will sing to him la...HEHEHE....Swt...

Regret....No used...

2009-01-23T01:45:00.000+08:00

Actually...I really veri happy that they give me a chance to sing in front of many students...BUT performance that day i really make a big big mistake that is anxious...it makes me cant follow the music flow...but now after i finished my performance i only realize it's the end...i wont have the chance to perform again...I really hate myself why always need to think too much...n think negatively...But now i really not even dare to listen to the song that i make mistake is 张慧妹记得...because of my scareness make the show become bad...I know i really sorry for that band that play song for me...Now..i always ask myself why why why i always do a regret performance...Why cant i give my veri best once i have the chance to perform...And now no chance alr onli regret....No used liao...I think really dun ve chance to enjoy band performance liao...Now i jus wan to forget the performance that day faster...so i wont be sad again...other than that i really hate my appearance...why cant i grow prettier so no people will look down on fatty...the others dunno bad appearance also can give a good performance...but i failed to prove this out...i tink i need to be the previous TAN POH LING again...cant dream anymore...I no need to dream to let the ppl hear my voice again...I really useless!!!

Fun And Enjoyable christmas caroling in Ipoh

2008-12-21T01:03:00.000+08:00

Wow...Today we go back to Indulgence to carolling...Last year we went there perform also too. However today we perform with many juniors... Those same batch with us geh din attend this performance..Anyway it is fun too...We sing happily and take photo after performance. Choir really play an important role in my life. It let me learn many things,such as learn to sing la learn to communicate with us la...many many things...Aikzz...Why Uniten dun ve choir le...I really like choir...It is reali excited to sing in a group...Hope Uniten will have its own choir soon le...

A new LIFE?!!!

2008-12-05T19:04:00.000+08:00

Aikzzzz....my sem break finished alr..Jus went back to UNITEN!!! Before going back to school, i thot it will be a new life...a new hope to my unilife...but after 1 week, i realised i was wrong...I thot can make with some different frenz ...I was wrong!!! In uni...there was'nt any true frenship here...everibody is act like fake...they always berpura pura...i reali hate tis uni...when can i graduate...i hope it can be finish as soon as possible...those frens tat i believe always betray me again and again...why cant i find some true frens here??? why??? live in this world reali make me feel like unfair...is it ugly ppl need to be live lonely...I reali dunno how to survive in this world....

Am I Stubborn?

2008-11-28T00:34:00.000+08:00

Tonight i reali get lots of advices from Ivan...Actually last time yau weng alr advice me nt to always tink negatively...In my past-life, me just noe how to runaway from problem...me scare to face problem...when i was in primary or secondary school,i faced trouble in school, my mum sure will stand out and fight for me...but now is just depend on me...Haha...i noe me now find many excuse for myself to escape trouble...In my heart..i understand tat jus myself can solve the problems...BUT how?!!! Close my ears so that i wont hear those chatzz tat hurts me?!! Dun be so close with them so tat i can get less hurt...Just now Ivan say it is normal to a ugly girl... All boys like pretty girls tis is a fact...Nobody can change it...I need to accept it!!! But i noe tat i m a ugly girl...but i also wan to be a ugly girl that will bring happiness to frenzzz...Just tat easy...I still remember last time the moment in choir Sam tet...although they will laughed at me...anyway we be fren finally...But now reali cant find frenzzz in UNI... I know more and more challenge will be coming to me...I dunno when it will end!!1 But after today i listen to all my frenzzz...i will try to stand up and fight against the challenge... I Jus Wan To Be A Hapy Girl!!!!

Talk bcum Argue...

2008-11-12T11:04:00.000+08:00

Today my dad came back...I tot will have a nice talk wit him...to discuss about my problem...I m tinking not to continue my studies in UNITEN...aikzz...my dad keep scolding me tat y i decide to study engineering at first...In last time i reali have a dream...I like to design a micro-electronic in future...and i also dream to design a phone tat can fold....but now i onli realise it is too hard to fulfill my dream...now i reali wan to give up!!!BUT my dad jus keep telling me tat i m wasting time and wasting money...I KNOW!!! but i also veri regret ah...actually most of the people veri enjoy their unilife..Y i cant???I told my dad tat i wan to drive to uni...I understand wat he is worrying...Accident..hurt is wat he is worrying...In uniten i cant find any enjoyment...The life there is study study study...I scare I will get crazy before i finish theFOUR-YEAR courses!!! Aikzz...my dad keep telling me i made my parents worry many things bout me...But i reali cant find anyone to talk with me...What i can do is always cry cry...Y are there so many challenge in my liffe???

Live in this world for WHAT?!!!

2008-11-09T20:55:00.000+08:00

Today feel bad...I keep tinking bout a question...since young...i noe that everyone haven their own goods and bads...But in mine...i reali cant find any goods on me??i m fat..ugly...since in primary...me also not much frenzz...but now in university...i really feel the reality of the world...those guys just treat the pretty girl differently...act i jus wan some true friendship...is it veri hard?Why cant those guys be more fair to everyone? i know i m not pretty at all...and i also know tat i dun ve the power to stand out and give my opinion...aikzzz...that y i reali dunno wat shud i do...shud i die and leave this cruel world...I know i can keep on diet to be prettier...but i reali scare that i wil giv up easily...bcoz fatty cant not be reduced in 1 day or few days...How can i continue living in this world? I dun wan go back to the university!!!I cant stand for it!!!how can i?? I jus wan more frenzzz...be frenzzz also need to consider the outlook pretty or ugly...then i reali cant live anymore!!!i need to end my life!!!how????who can tell me what to do!!!

Unexpected...

2008-11-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

After breakfast with waiyin, I went to JYU restaurant...Its my first working place...erm...i start working there after finished my STPM...Many frenzz told me tat working is veri tough...you need to be patient to customer...But thru tis job..I learn lot of things and know many frenzz....haha...when there is no customer in the restaurant...i mostly will hide into the kitchen chit chat there n also curi makan there(that's y i cant keep fit)...Hehe...the kitchen man is veri rude la...but they vv kind oso...erm...the most fren with me is ah fai la...erm...although he elder than me...i jus treat him as my big bro...today i went back and chat a lot of things with him...Haha...the funniest is he say he is having toothache...haha...try imagine how can a cook try the taste with the pain teeth...haha...hemm...today i plan to go watch high school musical 3 with my cousins...unlucky...we pass the timeslot alr...sobzzz...then we jus walk walk at ipoh parade...u noe i met who...i met a guy with his girlfren...this guy worked in the restaurant last time too..last time we so closed...and ve crushed on each other...but i refuse...today i met him and he jus pretend not knowing me...it is too sad to have tis type of buddies...he told me tat he scare his girlfren wil get angry if me stil contact with him...such a useless guy la...aikzzz...today i reali recognized wat is fren la...somehow...i stil will keep goin back to the restaurant...bcoz ther are someone that can chat bout my sadness and happiness...

Relax..Stressless...

2008-11-08T00:43:00.000+08:00

Last time in secondary school, I would like to runaway from house to have more freedom...But now..I finally went to KL to study engineering courses in Uniten...In this university...I jus like living in a forest without knowing wat happen at outside..Maybe i lazy to read newspaper or i dun ve time to read...In home...my mum usually will tell the news to me everyday...In the uni...I reali miss my mum...miss my hometown...Jus finish final exam and go back to hometown for semester break...Yo...I like it!!U noe...Last few weekss..i reali din sleep much...Cx need to study so many things...Me reali feel sick wit the uni life...When can i get used to it???In last time in form 6,i will release all my stress while singing in choir...I enjoy singing wit my choir team...although form 6 sylllabus is tough...i still feel it is easier and enjoyalbe to study with singing in choir...BUT...my uni sucks la...When i start studying...the choir club in uni alr dibubarkan...SoBzzz...I reali dunno how can i continue study without choir la...Somemore...I reali cant find much frenzz there...Onli few frenzz...Somemore ppl study in university reali selfish...They jus care wat they have...somemore i m so ugly...how can get help from them...That y i always tell myself "dun dream anymore...dont depend on others!!"aikzzz...how can my life dun ve frenzzz....last time in form 6...we always go yum cha at weekend...we chat everiting(include bullshitting) it is damn fun!!! but now dun ve anymore!!!Me become lonely and lonely...how can i escape from it!!!now wat can i say???Whatever la!!!